League of Legends: Lawl
by JayDarkwater
Summary: Quick stories based on real game matches that totally happened, format is heavily inspired by (and occasionally blatantly steals jokes from) Chris Bucholz from Cracked . com. Rated T for excessive cursing. Rating is liable to change, though it is not likely that it will. Rates & Reviews are appreciated
1. Quinn & Valor

Author's Note: (RELATIVELY) IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ. Hello everyone! As you read, it is worth clearing up the fact that I will keep this marked as "complete" at all times. That is because each chapter is it's own story with little/nothing to do with the other chapters. Being complete does not mean there won't be new chapters by any means. It will end when I say it ends, because _that's how I role. _Read, rate, review, I appreciate your feedback.

WELCOME TO SUMMONER'S RIFT

**"Ahem. Okay, can you hear me?"**

"I hear you. May I ask who is summoning me today?"

**"Friends call me Jay. You ready to carry these sum'bitches?"**

"Of course, Demacia needs heros! Are you ready, Valor?"

"Squak!"

**"You and your team talked while waiting right? Where's everyone headed?"**

"Elise is in the mid lane, Warwick is taking the jungle, I think Yorick is top. Aaand Nami is taking bottom lane with me."

**"Ah, Nami. Nice girl. Okay, get yourself some boots and potions. Oh yeah, and one of those new-fangled ward trinkets."**

THIRTY SECONDS TILL MINIONS SPAWN

"So, who am I facing today, Summoner?"

**"You're up against... huh."**

"What?"

**"I don't know how not to make this weird, so I'll just say it. You're fighting yourself."**

"Really? That doesn't happen to me often."

**"Weird how that's a regular occurrence in the rift. We also got Jinx, Akali, Darius and Teemo."**

"I hate fighting myself. It's like seeing a photo of yourself, or hearing your voice in audio. Only a thousand times more embarrassing."

MINIONS HAVE SPAWNED

**"Just go ahead and help Warwick get the golem. Maybe you won't lane against yourself."**

"Got it."

**"Okay good, everyone but Yorick is there. Aaany second now..."**

"Squak."

"Who's there?"

"Squak squaaak."

"Jarvan who?"

"Squak!"

"Valor! That's mean."

**"Your relationship with that bird is touching. In a weird kind of way."**

"The Golem is here!"

**"Use your pistol!"**

"Crossbow."

**"Use it!"**

"I'm using it!"

**"Good, that was quick. I have a good feeling about this match. Now let's just head bot lane and we'll- Oh! Son of a bitch!"**

"Oh dear... I'm dizzy. What happened?"

**"Jinx and Quinn II there just melted you. Turns out Jinx's slow and your damage makes a good combo."**

"And Nami?"

**"She's holding her ow- nope, dead."**

"Well. This is a wonderful start."

**"Never fear! Teleport is one of your summoner spells. I'll just throw that one aaand there."**

"Aaaahhhh!"

**"Man, those two are pushing hard." **

"Ya think?"

**"Watch out for her, er, your Blinding Assault!"**

"Ow! Valor how could you!"

"Squak?"

"No, not you Valor. Er... maybe? Ugh, never mind."

**"Ah yes! That's perfect! Be the beast master you are and control the other Valor too!"**

"I don't think that'll work."

**"What we're doing now isn't working, you've been hugging your turret the entire time."**

"It's only been a few minutes..."

**"You have an opportunity most champions don't have, woman, take a chance!"**

"Fine!"

**"Are you trying?"**

"Squaaak!"

"Ow, ow. Ow!"

**"You just pissed off your own Valor didn't you?"**

"Yes... AHH- "

**"OOOOoohhhhh. Crap. Okay so we're 0/2/0. No problem."**

"This isn't working, Summoner."

**"You're right. I kinda wish we got a Doran's Blade in the beginning instead, now that I think of it."**

"How does a blade help me deal damage with a crossbow?"

**"Fuck you that's how."**

ENEMY DOUBLE KILL

**"It seems our teammates aren't doing too well either."**

"Oh don't worry, Warwick isn't letting us forget it down here."

**"Oh surprise, surprise. Warwick, of all wolf-man humanoids, is being a big meany."**

"We've lost two turrets in our lane and Nami is sad."

**"You're just full of shockers today aren't ya? Let's try and get the team together, this match isn't even close to over yet!"**

"Oh God, Teemo found me!"

**"Use your pistol!"**

"Crossbow!"

**"Tackle the little gerbil!"**

"Eerrrgg AGH! -cough- -cough-"

**"Man, that poison hurts."**

"I know!"

**"Well at least he's running away now. You both look pretty hurt though."**

"I FEEL pretty hurt! But at least I lived this ti-" *BOOM*

YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN

**"... Fuckin' mushrooms... Ugh, and my last few matches went so well."**

"That's it! We need a team fight or something!"

"Squak!"

**"Indeed. Let's redeem ourselves, shall we? What level are we now, eight? Nine?"**

"Three of them are on our last mid turret!"

**"Yell to your teammates to join, Warwick is right nearby!"**

"I don't want to talk to Warwick..."

**"Quinn!"**

"Ugh... hey Warwick! Come on, we can still win! I need you in mid!"

**"What'd he say?"**

"He told me to stop talking."

**"I dunno what I expected."**

YOUR TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED

"Yorick and I can't hold them all back! We're going to lose an inhibitor."

**"All our teammates are on the field, and from the looks of it, we're looking pretty good for an engage."**

"Just a little longer..."

**"Warwick is suppressing Akali! This is your chance! SEIZE IT! SEIZE IT SO GOOD!"**

"Gouge 'em Valor!"

**"Yes! Use your rooty-tooty point'n shooty!"**

"SQUAAK!"

**"Dat ultimate! Rain dem arrows down!"**

"RAHH! Phew... uh-oh, Jinx! She's chasing me!

AN ENEMY HAS BEEN SLAIN

"Oh thank God."

**"It's a three for two. Not bad, considering the rest of the match so far. And you only lost half your health. Of course, that was from like, two hits from Akali. Man, what kind of drugs is that woman on?"**

"Well, at least I have a kill and two assists now."

"Squak!"

"What? Oh c'mon, you're still mad at me for earlier? I love you Valor, you're my best friend."

**"Aww, friend-zoned."**

"Shut up."

**"Look alive, other Quinn wants a piece."**

"What?"

**"She's trying to kill you."**

"Oh. Well no problem. After that battle I have new-found confidence in my abilit-GOOD GOD SHE'S SO MUCH STRONGER THAN ME."

**"RUN BITCH, RUUUN! Use your bird!"**

"Valor's on cooldown!"

**"What? You mean your bird's too tired?"**

"AGHH-"

YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN

**"*sigh* I hate death timers. Okay, looks like the team is pushing forward. They're a bit low... Quinn's evil twin is coming up behind, maybe they can run back and take her. Come on guys, gooo!"**

AN ALLY HAS BEEN SLAIN

**"A strong will shall overcome!"**

ENEMY DOUBLE KILL

**"They cannot break your spirit!"**

ENEMY TRIPLE KILL

**'I have... faith in you."**

ENEMY QUADRA KILL, ACED

**"God damn it."**

"What'd I miss?"

**"You missed a mighty ass-whoopin', and not the fun kind."**

"We lost, haven't we?"

**"Not necessarily. All we can really do is guard the base and kill off the super minions. You maaay want Homeguard, they're all on their way."**

"I love the Statick Shiv, makes this minion business so much easier."

"Squak?"

"Yeah, I dunno how it does that either."

**"I wish we could grab a buff or something. Least the rest will be back shortly."**

"I see the Noxian running this way. Ready Val?"

"Squaak!"

"Good."

**"Where's Valor going?"**

"Sometimes that bird just likes to show off."

**"Speaking of showing, Elise is on her way to help. And it seems Nami is on the platform."**

"Whoa!"

**"Wow, that was close! Good thing Darius grabbed a minion instead of you."**

"They're all here, this is it!"

**"Put on your war face! Use your gu-, er, crossbow! Yeah."**

"They caught out Elise!"

BOOM-CRASH-CLANK-SMASH-HAHAHAAA

**"I hate hearing Darius laugh."**

"All I hear is Warwick cursing!"

**"Use your bird!"**

"SCRAAWW!"

AN ENEMY HAS BEEN SLAIN

**"Oh God, you're low! Flash and fly! Fly and be free you beautiful, winged bastard!"**

YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN

**"Or not."**

ENEMY TRIPLE KILL

**"Ooookay. I think this is about wrapped up."**

YOUR TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED

YOUR TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED

"NOXUUUUU-uuuhh ugh, dizzy."

DEFEAT

Final Stats: 2/11/6


	2. Ashe

Chapter 2: Ashe

WELCOME TO SUMMONER'S RIFT

"Are you ready, Summoner? I have a great feeling about this match."

**"Sleigh bells riiiing, are ya listenin'? In the laaaane, snow is glistenin'. A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, walkin' in a winter wonderland!"**

"What are you doing?"

**"Making you feel more at home."**

"Are you mocking me? And I wouldn't describe the Freljord as a 'winter wonderland'. Or a wonderland of any kind, really."

**"Oh lighten up, I mock everybody. And don't pretend you don't like my deep, dulcite tones."**

"Uh-huh. And who are my opponents?"

**"A well-rounded team, but don't quote me on that. We got a Thresh, Master Yi, Nasus, Miss Fortune and Shen. Let's just assume you're laning against the pirate in mid for now."**

30 SECONDS UNTIL MINIONS SPAWN

**"And it looks like we have an interesting team ourselves today."**

"Yes, my good friend Volibear is jungling! It's always nice to be paired with friends."

**"Our team is full of tanks! Garen, Nautilus and Rammus are here too."**

"Yes, Garen was quite amused by it. Too amused actually, it was a little unsettling."

**"What do you mean?"**

"He went around saying 'I love you guys!' over and over. Jokingly I told him, 'Go home, you're drunk,' and he said he might have been."

**"Ah, well that's not so surprising. I just assumed all champions were slightly buzzed all the time anyway."**

"What's that supposed to mean?"

MINIONS HAVE SPAWNED

"Uh, well I'm ready in the mid lane."

**"You grabbed a Doran's Blade right? I made the mistake to grab boots and pots once with another carry not too long ago. Don't ask me how that went."**

"Umm, summoner, what does the map look like right now?"

**"They don't seem to have a jungler, two top, two bot and one mid. Why?"**

"Why is Thresh here?"

**"Oh man, he's farming minions. He must be your opponent today. Weird choice."**

"They must be kidding."

**"Just assume he knows what he's doing and don't underestimate him."**

"That's a bit difficult, he's just letting me shoot him!"

**"Yeeeeaaaah. He's not too great with his grab today either, is he?"**

FIRST BLOOD

DOUBLE KILL

**"Wow, you weren't kidding. Garen must be a rowdy drunk. Awfully lively today."**

"He's not the only one. Nautilus won't stop yelling 'Tanks for life!' for everyone on the field to hear."

**"You should yell 'Yay! Female carry pride... woo...' I'm sure Miss Fortune will appreciate it. Oh look, Volibear wants in on the party. He's in the bush next to ya."**

"Really? But I'm doing well."

**"Yeah, I dunno why he's there either. Tell him to come back another time."**

"I did. He's sad and moping off to the Golem now."

**"Well, he'll put on his big boy pants soon enough."**

YOU HAVE SLAIN AN ENEMY

**"Oh! Nice ultimate."**

"Thank you."

**"Go ahead and tickle the turret some. I can't believe we haven't needed to recall yet. You have like, two thousand gold."**

"Oh! I could use some new stuff."

**"Yes you could. Back up some, so I can recall you. If they're smart, they'll be going for DAT ASHE and try to gank you."**

"Oh HA-HA. Haven't heard that one before."

**"This all-tank team is doing better than I thought they would. Both top and bot are winning out. How 'bout we grab some boots and a Zeal? I'll teleport you back to mid."**

"Yeah, okay. These guys won't shut up about 'tanky-pride'. It's like I'm not even here!"

**"Don't think like that, the team needs you and everyone knows it! We need dat Ashe!"**

"Stop it."

**"Okay."**

YOU HAVE SLAIN AN ENEMY

**"Oof! Can't HANDLE the frost arrows!"**

"I think this lane is won."

**"I think you're right. Mental high-five!"**

ENEMY TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED

**"And they still haven't even tried ganking yet. Have they not realized the awesome might that is Ashe and JayDarkwater!?"**

"Oh please, like I'm that self-centered."

**"It's cool, I'm self-centered enough for the both of us. It'd be great if you yelled 'Bring it, Bitches!' on my behalf."**

"Enough!"

**"I'm sorry?"**

"You've mocked my home, my name and my friend! You'll understand if I think you're being annoying."

**"Well Ashe, than I apologize. I'm not self-centered at all, I was just kidding. But you must admit, I'm way more fun than a lot of summoners around here. And I also have a way better name. Have you ever met Summoner 420YoloBlazinSwagPickle69? I think his parents were bitter."**

"... Is that an Ionian name?"

**"Speaking of Ionian names, Master Yi is there. And he's not even hiding. Just kinda standing there."**

"I see him. He looks hurt."

**"Well than let's make him regret showing up, shall we? Your volley and ice arrows should be enough."**

YOU HAVE SLAIN AN ENEMY

**"He only got one hit off! What's wrong with these guys today? ... Look out, Thresh is behind you!"**

"My aim is steady."

**"The ult arrow! The volley! He can't run!"**

DOUBLE KILL

**"Aaand boom goes the evil spirit torturer. Man, that Cage went to waste. Good thing you remembered not to move."**

ENEMY TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED

**"Ashe, Garen's being chased toward you from the river."**

"Got it."

**"It's Nasus and Shen, they're both about half-way down on health." **

DEMACIAAA

**"Oh damn."**

"Wow."

**"Well, help 'im!"**

DOUBLE KILL

**"He's a functioning drunk, I'll give him that. Aaand back to bot lane he goes. He didn't even slow down."**

"And he shouted 'I still love you Ashe!' the entire time."

**"Aww, and we were doing so well!"**

"What?"

**"They're surrendering."**

VICTORY

**"Good job Ashe! I look forward to summoning you again."**

"Yes, it was a good match. And sorry for losing my temper earlier."

**"Actually, you should lose your temper more often."**

"Huh?"

**"It's hawt."**

"SUMMONER!"

Final Stats: 6/0/2


	3. Vladimir

Oh man, I've been forgetting to do my disclaimers. I don't own League of Legends, the characters, blah blah you know the drill. Enjoy.

Chapter 3: Vladimir

WELCOME TO SUMMONER'S RIFT

**"Aw, I don't like the purple side. Okay, here's the deal. I don't like you, and you don't like me."**

"But, we never met."

**"My name's Jay and I haven't summoned you before, so you're gonna have to help me out when picking items and the like. Cool?"**

"Fine, go ahead, be negative! You'll be just my type."

**"... What? Did you just hit on me?"**

"It's a blood pun. _B negative. _Get it? Get it?"

**"Yeah yeah, great. You heard what I said right?"**

THIRTY SECONDS UNTIL MINIONS SPAWN

"It seems I'm laning with an enemy today. Maaarvelous."

**"Why is it marvelous? Oh hey, you're going bot with Ashe! I just summoned her the other day. I don't think she likes me very much though."**

"And a fellow Noxian, Darius. MmmmmMMMMmmm."

**"Remind me not to delve too deeply into your mind, thanks."**

MINIONS HAVE SPAWNED

**"Okay, we have Vayne and Taric in our lane. Be careful, no one likes a fed Vayne."**

"Oh, don't worry. We'll get the _vein pumpiinnngg_mmhhmmmyeesssss."

**"Gross. Holy shit, how did they get Ashe's health down to half so quickly!? Run! Help her!"**

"Haha! Your life blood is mine!"

FIRST BLOOD

**"Poor Ashe, and Vayne was so close to death. No matter, pull out and harass Taric hard. He can't really hit you back at this stage."**

"Care to make a donation? It's okay, I'm a universal receiver!"

**"Hold on, didn't you say you're B- with that God-awful pun? That's not a universal receiver at all! Also, the ****_last _****thing you are, is a doctor."**

AN ALLY HAS BEEN SLAIN

"These two opponents make eeeasy pray."

**"But seriously, you're not a doctor are you? That would be highly concerning."**

YOU HAVE SLAIN AN ENEMY

**"Oh! Well than. Not bad, Vlad."**

DOUBLE KILL

**"Daaamn, you've been holding out on me. You and Ashe are doing great!"**

"Sooo. This match is not going as you expected?"

**"Uh. I guess, yeah?"**

"So one could say the... _clot thickens."_

**"... You did not just fucking say what I think you said."**

AN ALLY HAS BEEN SLAIN

**"Veigar is killin' it today! Poor Annie's getting her ass handed to her in mid. Hey Vlad, I think this lane is won, why don't you go help her?"**

"I would be absolutely _livid_."

**"Oh wait, never mind. Darius is being refreshingly helpful today."**

"We have taken a turret, Summoner."

**"I see that. I'm also not surprised. Vayne is not doing well at all this game. In fact, I'm just going to watch Annie and Veigar from now on."**

"Why?"

**"Because it's Goddamn adorable! Annie telling Veigar he's not invited to her tea party, Veigar telling her to stop laughing. Good times."**

-Five minutes, one enemy turret and several more awful puns later-

**"Damn it Annie! Get your shit together! Is anything else going to happen? I'm bored to tears here."**

"What do you call a group of frequent blood donors?"

**"Christ, no more."**

"The _IV League"_

**"AARGH!"**

"Vaaaayyne is becoming aggressive. A _vital _decision on her part."

**"Ya know, I'm just now realizing why the other Summoners were snickering when I said I'm summoning you today."**

"Ha-ha-ha! Vayne is once again an eeeasy target!"

**"Whyyyy do you have to hold ooout all of your freakin' words!? Do all vampires sound like pedophiles?"**

YOU HAVE SLAIN AN ENEMY

**"Careful, you're low! Taric is still healthy."**

YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN

**"Awww. Well, all good things must come to an end. Avenge us, Ashe!"**

AN ENEMY HAS BEEN SLAIN

**"Word."**

"I. Like. Blood."

**"Oh good, you're back. Seems they got the bright idea to group together in mid. Now may be the time to help."**

ENEMY DOUBLE KILL

**"Oh damn. You're gonna have to hold them off till your team gets there."**

"There are three enemies here Summoner, and our turret will not last much loongerrr."

**"Then there's only one thing that can possibly be done. Quick! Threaten to punch yourself in the balls!"**

"My apologies, did I hear you correctly Summoner?"

**"Yes, now hurry!"**

"Is that truly necessary?"

**"Look, you can be the hardest, coldest, most threatening bastard on the face of this planet. But ****_nothing_**** is more intimidating than total, unadulterated, balls-out CRAZY! Now threaten to punch yourself in the balls! Do it! Do it NAOW!"**

"Um... uh, if you come any closer, I'm going to punch myself in the balls!"

**"... What'd they say?"**

"They said that's nuts."

**"Heh... hehheh, hahaha!"**

"What?"

**"Now THAT is a good pun! Are you taking notes? You best be taking notes."**

"They're still advancing."

**"Shit, really? I would think that statement would be enough to at least slow them down. Well now you have no choice. You're gonna have to stand by what you said if you wanna keep your dignity."**

"My beautiful Sanguine Pool is not scaring them off."

**"That's because you're not punching yourself in the balls! Take one for the team and distract them till the others come to help!"**

"OOWWW"

**"Good! They're distracted, keep going, the team is almost here!"**

"AAAGH. AAAAAAAGGHHH!"

**"Yes, Ashe wrecked 'em! You got three assists without even touching anyone! Ain't that great, Vlad?"**

"Please... please recall me."

**"Get out of your fetal position and wipe those tears, there's nexus's to destroy and bitches to slay!"**

"I think I'm going to vomit."

**"Alright, alright. I'll recall you. Heh. Let's see you make a smart-ass blood pun now."**

"You're advice was... mis-_bleeding._"

**"... You son of a bitch."**

"Aahhh, thank you."

**"Uh-huh. The enemy has dispersed, go back and help Ashe with your first turret, they've finally gotten there."**

"Yes! They will kneel before Vlad!"

**"I wouldn't say that. But you're somewhat right. Your fighting skills haven't disappointed me at all. You may be one annoying S.O.B, but you can hold a hell of a lane."**

"Lifesteal is quite handy in these situations."

**"What, no blood pun this time? I'm almost disappointed... Vlad...? Wait, shit! I lost him! I can't connect to him on the field! And he's still running to the two? Go back to base you asshole!"**

"Summoner JayDarkwater."

**"Summoner Sfig?"**

"You have failed to maintain connection to your selected champion. You're going to have to be pulled out of the Summoner Circle for the round."

**"No, wait, where are you taking me!? You'll never take me alive! NNOOOOOO-"**

"Will you relax? This happens all the time. Go get some lunch or something. Maybe skip the coffee."

**"-OOOOOOOOooooooookay. Whatever. I'm never summoning that guy again."**

Final Stats: 4/2/6


	4. Tryndamere

Chapter 4: Tryndamere

WELCOME TO SUMMONER'S RIFT

**"This summoner up here is in serious danger of being on my shit-list."**

"It's Draven's summoner, isn't it?"

**"Yeah, how'd you know?"**

"It's always Draven's summoner."

**"Yeah well, the ass-hat picked Draven even after Varus' summoner fairly called carry."**

"Speaking of carrying, do I get to do some carrying today?"

MINIONS HAVE SPAWNED

**"You, my friend, are going for red. Have Ahri help you. And Soraka is here for some reason, so have her help too. Ask her why she's here while you're at it."**

"Her and her summoner are both confused."

**"What the hell?"**

"What?"

**"Alright, here's the deal. According to my map, Draven is in bot with Varus. Now Soraka has to go top against Yasuo. Let it fuel your rage, cause we have to help her."**

"Ha! The lizard never had a chance!"

**"Yeah that's kinda the idea. Thanks to Draven's summoner we're out a summoner spell."**

"Hey Yasuo! Wanna know why my right arm is a lot stronger than my left arm?"

YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN

**"Damn it!"**

AN ENEMY HAS BEEN SLAIN

**"Oh wow. Soraka finished him off. I'm legitimately impressed."**

"Hehhehheh..."

**"That's ****_not _****whatI meant... oh my God, stop thinking about Ashe that way! I can read your mind to a certain extent."**

"You will sit through my thoughts and you will like it."

**"You're a sick man. Go help Ahri in mid, Sickman."**

"No! Yasuo didn't answer my question!"

**"Ugh. Alright, while you're farming that... Sivir and Janna are in bot. I dunno what the hell Shaco is doing."**

"Was that an attack or did a stiff breeze roll by? Ha!"

**"Ahri is facing herself in mid. Must be awkward."**

"LET ME GIVE YOU A HUG YOU SLIPPERY ASSHOLE."

**"For Christ's sake, be careful!"**

AN ALLY HAS BEEN SLAIN

**"He killed Soraka, you're both so low, work the field! Spin to win damn it!"**

YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN

**"AAWWW."**

YOU HAVE SLAIN AN ENEMY

**"... HA! A minion finished him off. Oh man, that's great."**

"That's it. Now they die."

**"Got your boots? Get the metal ones. I don't know how, but they make you do more damage, much like how reading anything I happen to write makes people approximately 26% smarter. And sexier."**

" What?"

DOUBLE KILL

**"Well, at least Varus is doing well. Soraka's got the right idea, hide in the bush and wait till he's on our turret."**

"As you wish. How long is this going to take?"

**"Any second now..."**

"..."

**"... daaa-nunt."**

"Summoner."

**"Daaa-nunt."**

"Summoner I swear to God."

**"Da-nunt da-nunt da-nunt da-nunt."**

"He's face-checking!"

**"DA-NA-NAAHHH"**

YOU HAVE SLAIN AN ENEMY

**"Yaaay, I'm helping."**

"Shut up."

**"Push! He'll be back in no time!"**

"The turret is mine!"

**"Wait, where's Ahri? Come to think of it, I still don't know where Shaco is."**

"AAGH"

**"Ooohhh. It may be in your best interest to run."**

"I'm no coward."

YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN

AN ALLY HAS BEEN SLAIN

**"Well... that's fair. Bot lane is doing well at least. Draven is still being a pain in the ass though."**

"YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING! What kind of summoner are you!?"

**"One of a kind."**

A SUMMONER HAS DISCONNECTED

**"Son of a bitch!"**

"What happened?"

**"Draven's summoner left! God damn it, after all that fuss for a role and he leaves us high and dry anyway!"**

"Summoner. The map?"

**"NO! I WILL FIND THIS GUY AND SUPERMAN PUNCH HIS GRANDMA IN THE FACE."**

"Uhh."

**"I WILL MAKE BLOOD AND SULFUR FALL FROM THE FUCKING SKY."**

"It's ironic that I, of all people, have to tell you to calm down."

**"... Yeah, that is pretty bad. Sorry. Hey, Yasuo's deep, go in for the kill!"**

"You don't stand a chance!"

AN ENEMY HAS BEEN SLAIN

**"Wooow. Soraka just went man-mode and stole your kill. You better up your game thur, buddeh."**

"It's okay guys! Soraka will carry us!"

**"Did she say anything?"**

"She's giggling and blushing like a child."

**"Aww. That'd be cute if it wasn't because she just killed a man in cold blood."**

ENEMY TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED

**"I believe the enemy team is onto us again."**

"Oh good, you're watching the map. This time I'm ready!"

YOU HAVE SLAIN AN ENEMY

**"Dive the turret!"**

"RRAAAAHH!"

DOUBLE KILL

**"Wow, I rarely have a tower dive go well."**

"I'm going in the jungle now!"

**"Why?"**

"I want my buffs and gold! Also, I have to poop."

**"Oh come on! Christ, fine. I'll find something else to do. Alright, it seems Varus is fed like a mofuggah. Bot is pushed all the way to the base. I should be sure to thank him for carrying us. Mid may need help. Uhh... guess I'll decide what to buy next..."**

"Uggghhhh..."

**"Hey there buddy. Feel better do ya?"**

"Remember when I said I had to take a shit?"

**"How could I forget?"**

*GRUMBLLLLEE*

"The shit took me."

**"Pull yourself together! We're a little behind, but jungling will hel- OH GOD SIVIR IN THE BUSH!"**

YOU HAVE SLAIN AN ENEMY

**"Wow, that was... concerningly easy. And you said you're not feeling well? OH GOD AHRI RIGHT BEHIND HE-"**

DOUBLE KILL

**"Jesus tap-dancing Christ why are you so good!?"**

"Ugh."

**"Not that I'm complaining. While you're jungling, I've been wondering about something. How do you get so angry that you literally cannot die?"**

"I think about Aatrox and other things that make me angry! Which is pretty much everything."

**"That doesn't explain shit! You ****_can't die._**** Oh yeah, and everything? What about puppies? Do adorable puppies make you angry?"**

"Give me a few minutes and I'll come up with reasons as to why adorable puppies make me angry."

**"I'm pretty sure that's not healthy in the long run. If I promise to shut up about it, will you explain how that works?"**

"You know what? Fine. But don't expect me to get personal!"

**"Deal."**

(A few minutes of jungling and an impromptu therapy session later)

"*sniffle* And then, *sniff* when I was nine, I told a girl I liked her and she called me stinky."

**"Aww. It's okay Tryndamere. This is a judge-free zone and you have my full attention. (_Kill me now_.)"**

"No one likes me! Even my own wife isn't attracted to me!"

**"No one likes you? Soraka is being pretty nice."**

"She's nice to everybody! She apologized to Yasuo for getting her blood on him!"

**"Nahh, Tryndamere, the ladies love ya."**

"... Reeeeally?"

**"Oh yeah. With a warcry like yours, I'm positive that the ladies on the opposing teams' panties would be droppin' if they weren't busy being butchered."**

"Weeeell... okaaay."

**"That being said, if you could keep up that butchering part, that would be A+. And you might have a chance to do that in mid about now."**

"I see 'em. My team is all together. Ha ha! This'll be easy!"

**"THAT'S the Tryndamere I summoned! Don't let 'em down you glorious bastard! Get angry! Lemme just help you with that."**

"Actually I feel fine. After I finally talked about myself, I think there's hope to finally controlling my angRRRAAAAHHHH!"

YOU HAVE SLAIN AN ENEMY

" I HAVE A DEBILITATING MENTAL CONDITION AND ALL I KNOW IS RAGE!"

DOUGLE KILL

"A KID DIDN'T LET ME PLAY TAG IN GRADE SCHOOL ONCE!"

TRIPLE KILL

"ASHE'S PUPPY FLUFFYBOTTOM PEED ON THE RUG AND I HAD TO CLEAN IT UP THIS MORNING!"

QUADRA KILL

"YES! FEED ME! I HAVE TEH HUNGARR!"

**"Woo! Nice Hulk-Out."**

"Where's the fifth!? Bring it on!"

**"Forget it, just push! This could be it!"**

"Ahh, it's good to watch the minions drop like flies."

**"Yes it is. Tank the turret, you scary son of a bitch!"**

ENEMY TURRET DESTROYED

**"We really could win right now. Not bad for four against five. I'm not even mad about Draven anymore."**

YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN

**"COCKTHUNDERDOUCHEPICKLEAHRIGANKINGFUMANCHUASSHOLEARRGH!"**

ENEMY INHIBITOR HAS BEEN DESTROYED

ENEMY TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED

**"We can still make it in time for the end! Come ooonnnn, friggen death timer. Get homeguard and use Youmoo's, I wanna see the end of the match."**

"WWWEEEEEE!"

ENEMY TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED

"All five of them are up, we need just a little more. We need Hulk-Tryndamere!"

"Stop breathing so hard."

**"Shut up I'm excited!"**

YOU HAVE SLAIN AN ENEMY

"RAAAHHH! YOUR DEADLY WEAPONS AND MAGIC ARE NO MATCH FOR MY PETTY OUTBURSTS. YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT."

DOUBLE KILL

**"Do you hear it? That's the sound of panties, flying through the air."**

VICTORY

Final Stats: 17/12/10

Author's Note: JayDarkwater did not actually rage in this match, and rarely rages at all playing LoL. He is not a toxic summoner and is safe to play with. _Ladies._

Also, I'm not putting up the Summoner's actual name even though I'm quite sure I still remember it. Because here at League of Legends: Lawl, we're better than that.


End file.
